the Lord watches over...

Eden and I were in a car accident last week.
We were on the way to an appointment for Eden.  I was driving along Springwood, a long, winding 2-lane road.  It had rained all night and all morning.  I already knew we were going to be late and had mentally reminded myself that it was better to be late than to speed.  Still, I was going a few mph over the speed limit.  Coming around a bend, I steered to the right anticipating the next curve.  Suddenly I realized the car was not responding; it was still heading left.  It happened so fast I didn't have time to realize what was happening: I was hydroplaning.  I had no control of our vehicle which was traveling at least 45 mph.  I hit the brakes instinctively as we crossed the opposing lane of traffic and found myself staring directly at a steep grassy embankment.  I knew we were going to hit it head-on.  I thought about Eden and braced myself for the impact.  I expected a stong whiplash, the sound of glass shattering.  None of that happened.  I don't even remember feeling anything.  We came to a stop parallel to the road, facing the opposite direction.   It was completely silent.  One glance in the rearview mirror told me that Eden was fine, and I thanked God on high for His protection.  She didn't even cry. 
I don't know how long I sat there, thanking God and trying to figure out what just happened.
It was one of the scariest things I've ever experienced.  My mind was blank.  I had no idea what to do.
Finally I decided to try and get my car out.  I pressed the gas and my tires spun in the mud.  I watched the other cars drive by and finally someone stopped.  It was a huge man, probably around 30, in an Escalade.  I felt relieved when I saw the SUV, and a little nervous when I saw the man get out (city girl skepticism).  He was a godsend.  He asked me if I was ok, if the baby was ok, and then set to work looking over my car and forming a game plan.  I stood by helplessly.  He said he sees cars alongside this road all the time, and I have too, but somehow that made me feel better, like I wasn't a terrible driver and irresponsible parent.  I told him that I had no idea what happened, I was just driving along and next thing I know I had no control of the car.  He looked at the tires and said, "I know exactly why it happened.  Your tires are completely bald."
That hit me like a brick.  I knew the tires were bad, but didn't have the money to replace all 4 of them and planned to get them ASAP, which turned into never.  I felt immediate guilt knowing that this decision placed our lives in danger.
Eventually a young woman also emerged from the Escalade and they decided to try and push me out of the mud together.  After a few minutes of pushing, they did.  The woman stopped traffic so I could merge back onto the road and all I could do was shout, "Thank you!" out the window.

When my mind had calmed a bit, I was overwhelmed by all the ways God protected us that day.  It could have been so much worse...  I could have hit oncoming traffic, or been hit from behind when I hydroplaned.  I could have hit a tree or telephone pole rather than a grassy bank.... All of these things could have happened easily.  And it doesn't make sense that I didn't feel the impact.  Not one ache or pain.
I've spent a lot of time thinking about that day.  I felt guilty for driving on bad tires, for going over the speed limit, for being so thoughtless about the slick roads.  Looking back, it seemed so obvious that an accident would occur under those circumstances.  The worst part of all was realizing that I put Eden in danger.  Do you ever have that moment as a parent when you mentally torture yourself for a mistake that compromised your children?  'I should have' echoes in our being.
But then I realized something.  I will not always know what is to come. 
I am not, and cannot be, the God who is above all things.  Even if I were the most loving, godly, selfless, safest, smartest, most prepared parent this world has ever known, it would not save my daughter.

My love cannot save her.

And it would be futile for me to try.  Eden does not need a mother who knows her every move, fulfills her every need, and solves her every struggle.

She needs a God who never fails
the redeeming blood of Jesus
and His mighty grace, which can save our soul

And I need these things too.
desperately.
And while I do believe that we are to treat these precious children as gifts from our God to whom we will one day give an account, I need to remember that she needs so much more than I could ever offer.  He is God, and I am not.  And when I fail as a mother (or wife, friend, sister), I have a holy God in heaven who supercedes, and makes beauty from ashes.  The day before the accident I heard a sermon quote Psalm 1.6: "For the Lord watches over the path of the righteous."  That is exactly what He did for me that day, and so many days before and since. 
I want to live by that truth.  Bind it on my heart and let all else flow from it.  Its the only way I can live in this fallen world, acutely aware of all its evils and corruption, and have peace that my little ones will grow up happy and innocent, and in love with our Creator.

Let's stop trying to be the Savior.  Let's cry out for His mercy and grace.  And rest in peace, knowing that His grace is sufficient for me.